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Sad Life :'(

I’m on my way home after a 10 hour shift at work and I’m crying.

I had my ear phone on and listening to songs on Spotify (℅ ALDUB)  and I can’t stop my tears from falling.

Why am I crying?

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s the songs, it’s lyrics? It’s melody? Or maybe I’m just really sad, deep inside.

When I was younger I said if I don’t get to have a boyfriend I’ll just have a son at 28. Fast forward to today, I’m now 28 and I do have a son.

 

Don’t get me wrong, my son is the best thing that ever happened to me.

(letcheng mga kanta to, pinapaiyak ako)

 

But I guess if I be honest with myself, I’m really a sad soul. Sad that I have to raise my son alone and sad that I know I had a TOTGA (the one that got away).

 

My story is not as colorful as others (my friends has very colorful love and life stories)  but heck, I have my share of ups and downs as well. My life was just enough, but my love life? It dwindled down.

 

You know I had this guys back in HS, at a young age I know he’s my TOTGA. Every chance I get (before) for him to notice me, i’d take. Yeah, we were together for 3 months and 10 days only (haba no?) but I loved him for years, even after I broke up with him. Yup, I am the one who broke up with him.

 

Note: Naku wag nyo na alamin reason, baka sa ibang blog post na yun, mababaw kase sya for others kahit sa akin malalim na yun. Remember I was just 14 or 15 back then, a kid.

 

After him I had a few other short relationships then came the father of my son. He treated my like his queen. I couldn’t ask for more except for the fact that he has no job and he still lives with his parents. At first I was just ok with it but when I got pregnant I realised love is not enough. What I earn is not enough to sustain myself, our son (fetus during that time), my family and him. I had to ask him for more, he can’t provide it. He was not there when my son was born and that’s just my final straw. I knew the only right thing to d is to end our unhealthy relationship.

 

Before I got pregnant with my son, on our 3 year going to 4th year, we broke up. I got close again to Jeff (si TOTGA). We get to spend time together again. He just broke up with his girl though he’s trying go fix it. Imagine my happiness and confusion in finding out that her girl is jealous of me. D’you hear that? Me?!  Imagine we were an item 5-6 years before they got together.

 

We got to go to bars together, get drunk together, spent time in Ayala Triangle together. Just like old times. I was able to tell him how I feel and that if we do not get another chance which I know will never happen. I’m not the same person he fell in love with while he was still him. He was still his stubborn self. That day, in Ayala Tri, I told him I will just have myself a son.

 

So ayun nagkabalikan kami ng tatay ng anak ko, when Jeff decided to stay away from me again (for the nth time). I got pregnant and the rest was history.

 

Siguro kaya ko sad, I know I should be happy with someone who appreciates me but I don’t know if I’ll still meet that someone.

Maybe someday?

Maybe no way?

Maybe I will never love the same way I loved him? Sabi nila I’m still too young to know if he’s my greatest love. But. I. Know.

Mellter (my father’s son) was a real love.

Jeff was my one true love.

Both loves never had a happy ending.

Maybe I’m not meant to be happy in that category?

 

Good thing my son makes my life complete.

 

Oh sya. Stop the drama na ko.

Malapit na ko bumaba.

 

-Erika 😊

@reikableu

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